Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Dirt and the Sweat

And in those days (yeah, I'm still reminiscing about college life here) my church and my dear ones struggled, but we struggled together. On the other side of the struggle, we look back and see God's unrelenting faithfulness. But dang.

I once said to my pastor, "I just don't understand why [in the Chronicles of Narnia] Aslan is always GOING AWAY!". And she said to me, "I know why He goes away. It is so we can hunger for Him."

You, dearest ones, I have always known to be so steady.
onstant in emotion and reaction.

But this season finds us most out of character.
Ready to cry or laugh at any moment for any reason.

I hurt with you in the car on the way home.
And cling to your hand as if I would pull your sorrows out through it,
and shake them off until only the joy is left...
but the only balm for this heaviness is Sufjan Stevens on repeat.
I hate goodbyes.

Lately we beg the question, "God... where are you??!"
I have heard my closest friends confess that they have felt a silence.
We don't go through it alone...
We all feel this emptiness at the same time - but it still, it remains personal.
Not so much, "Do You exist God?" , as it is more like... "Do I exist, God?".

Wendsday night in the livingroom,
we all stop to seek Him together
I put my face in my hands and let my soul cry,
"God... where ARE you??!?!",
without knowing that at the same moment,
you put your face in your hands and let your soul cry
"God... I feel like I'm DYING!!!".

And He whispers to you,
as you look up to see all of us who love you to the moon and back,
"It's a good place to die in, huh?".
When you share this with us, we are comforted.

But my heart still aches with... vacancy?
It feels like vacancy.
I feel like I can't see more then 3 hours ahead.
I'm confused for no reason at all.

But, oh the glory,
when I wanted only Him last night
and I drove miles upon miles,
to try to keep Him in my veins,
and finally decided I needed to be on the parkway.

Because it's easier to tell God I'm sorry
when I can say it with my face in the grass
on the mountian where He comforts me.

But I first went the wrong way,
and in turning around I was afraid.
Once righted, I found fog almost immediately.
Suddenly I was engulfed!
Did it just come out of nowhere?
When did I get here?

I couldn't see more then three feet in front of me.
I was confused.
Why would He tell me to keep going?
I could drive off the mountian!
I could get maimed by hobos!

But I drove and drove ...
until I finally reached my intended destination.
Would you believe...
that's where the fog cleared.

When I got out of my car and looked over the mountian tops,
what I saw was breathtaking.
Fog draped gloriously around mountians sillohetted black against the purple sky.
Stars shining in their proper places.
And I think I heard Poppa say,
"See? You had to go through it to make it to the top
so you could see that it was beautiful".

And oh
It was beautiful.